Saturday, August 18, 2012

Blog is moving

Alright folks, so blogger is pissing me off big time. It used to be what I need, but blogger seems to think it is smarter than me, and in many cases it is, but it likes to edit my HTML when I'm not looking, and it doesn't work for me, so the blog is moving.
new address is
fenixcobbledick.wordpress.com

So, you have several choices now, you can go and subscribe to a feed of that blog, or you can send me a message with your e-mail address and I'll see if I can put you on an update list like I have been doing here. Everyone who is on the list for this blog will get put on the list for the updated blog.

Friday, August 17, 2012

NECCA day 1

So, we've had a couple days at NECCA to get acquainted with the space, and today we had our first rope lesson, but I'll get to that in a bit.

First, I want to show you where I live, because it is awesome.
The lake outside my house
Yep, that's Lake Pleasant, and it is well named, that's for sure. While I took this picture, I was sitting in a little wooden box on one side of The Bridge of Names

Every single one of those slats of wood has a name on it, everybody from Picasso to V. Van Gogh to Bob Dylan to MLK, JFK, and RFK (those three all on one slat) and a whole bunch of people who I have no idea who they are, but I'm sure they are all fascinating.
That's the whole 360 view from my little box, and I absolutely love it - it's where I go to eat my breakfast. I get to listen to the birds and the bugs and the wind and the water. It's about as serene a scene as one could imagine.


So that's where I live. Yes, it is awesome.
TRAINING
So we are in this big building that used to be a cotton mill, and aside from the circus center, there is a pottery room, a dance company, a toymaker and a whole bunch of other stuff.
Including this particular item.
This guy is up on a wall in the hallway outside of NECCA and his head/body (not including tentacles) are about as big as I am. I just thought he was way cool.

So in the actual studio, there are lots of cool things, like
ALL OF THE APPARATUSES!
Also, they have
German wheels! But I won't get a chance to use them, but still, cool to know they have them. Also, not pictured are Roue Cyr (Cyr Wheel)

So we did a rope class, and we went back to basics, which both Emilie and I needed a lot - anyone can teach you a trick, but only a true professional can point out the flaws in basics. So that went well, we will hopefully have video of us on the rope once we get a little bit more into it and start doing things that are interesting to people other than me.

In the meantime, while Emilie was doing her contortion class (that's what she's doing with Bill, pictured above - it's not a massage, it's contortion class, I promise) I went into the side room and got up to some shenanigans.

First of all, this is the coolest thing I've ever seen, and I need one in my house.
And by need, I mean as soon as I get a house, I am going to build one - looks pretty easy, just some screws in the floor, a couple tiny pulleys and some nice lengths of rope.

Also in that room, I was working on handstands and decided to film them for your pleasure, but also so I can see how I'm doing (it isn't exactly easy to look in a mirror while handstanding)

This is a weird little tuck thing I've been working on, it has a ways to go yet, but I'm well on my way.
I've also been working on a back bend while doing a handstand, and again, I'm well on my way, but still a long way to go.

So that's what's up in terms of what I'm doing, but while I was there, I had the pleasure of seeing some of the other people studying there do some of their things, including Aimee (my handstand teacher) and her flyer doing some duet work.
So that's all the updates and pictures and videos that I have for now, aside from the thunderstorm that we had to run through to get dinner tonight. I've never eaten dinner while literally dripping water before.

Ah well - we have this weekend off, then straps and handstands next week!

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Changing House

So this weird thing is happening over the next month and a half - I have no house.
Over the past few days, I've been scurrying about in an effort to pack up all of my stuff.
In case you are curious, the pile of every single thing I own minus my bed looks like this.
Everything. Yeah.


So that's it, the totality of my stuff, and we put it all in the back of a Subaru and we drove that pile of stuff up to Portland. Then we put it in a magical place called Narnia, and there it shall remain until I return at the end of September to retrieve it.

Until then I'll be living in Vermont at school, at my parents' when I am in Tucson, and couch surfing with friends when I am in Eugene (only a week).



So I realized that this was the last of my college houses. Also, the last of my college desk, which I gave away today.
It served me well






'Twas a good desk.









So I managed to pack everything up, and as I did I looked back upon my work, and saw





So that's it. I have an empty room. The last picture taken in my last college house.


Roommates not quite moved out yet







I suppose I'd say I'm happy with the way things in Eugene turned out. It was a tough road, and I'm gonna miss Eugene a lot, that's for sure, but as I sat on my pile of stuff, looking back at the room - my life in Eugene is all packed up, and I'm ready to move myself to Portland and start again, bigger and better.







So now I am arrived in Massachusetts at the house I will be living in for the next three weeks.
It is a gorgeous place in pretty much the country, and not only that, but we are living on a lake.
Yeah, a real lake
So the water is nice and warm and swimmable, the walk around it takes about an hour (I'll do that at some point and let you know how it goes) and the place is just crawling with frogs, which I did not get a picture of yet, because by the time I found one standing still, it was too dark.

So Emilie and I are sharing a room, and it's a pretty tiny one, so it will be a challenge on our part to co-exist in such a small space for three weeks, something we've never had to do before.

What you see there is pretty much it - I am standing with my back up against the wall looking out at the door and window (which has an amazing view of the lake).

It should be an interesting time indeed.

Emilie has her first class tomorrow (contortion) and then we are gonna come back home and try that swimming thing. Our first class together is on friday, and it will be a rope class, and we are both incredibly excited for that.

So that's all the news from the front for day 1 (amazing that all of this happened inside of 24 hours)
I'll be back on friday afternoon most likely with more pictures, maybe some video of walking around the lake, and updates about the school.
Until Friday,
Hobey Ho, and so we go

Monday, August 13, 2012

And The Adventure Begins

So tomorrow I go to Portland, and the morning after, I get on a plane to go to the east coast. I will be living in a house in Massachusetts and attending classes at NECCA (New England Center For Circus Arts) in Vermont.

So, in keeping with my history with this blog, I will be posting travel updates - basically what I've been training on, how I like the city, and because I think it will be more prevalent this time, the country.

So this is my adventure blog, stay tuned over the next three weeks for my training - any pictures I've got will show up in this blog. Any video I've got will show up in this blog. In fact, anything remotely interesting that happens to me over the next three weeks will show up in this blog, because aside from training and exploring, I will quite literally have nothing else to do.

So, won't you please join me?
GERONIMO!
~Fenix

Sunday, August 12, 2012

What I do for a living

So I often get the question "dude, so I get that you do 'circus,' but what is it that you do?"

So here, and now, I am going to tell and show what I do for a living.


First of all, I get invited to perform at festivals. I don't get paid, but I do get to go for free, and sometimes, if I am very very lucky, I get to perform with famous people. And sometimes, I get to perform with people like Lindsey Stirling.

And sometimes, they let me do it on silks.
So that's some pretty cool perks of my job. But what is it that I actually do.
Well, basically, I get on stage, I do 5 minutes of work, four times a night, and do stuff like this:




Now that is just one piece. I call it my zombie piece. There is a video of it somewhere, but I don't have it yet.

I also perform my Crystallize piece



Yep, all of that in one place.
I also regularly do a rope piece that I am amazed that we don't have pictures of it yet. I'll work on that.

So yeah, that's my job.

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Religious People

Anyone who knows me knows that I am very anti-religion, and for many atheists this is the case. Many of us are atheists not only because we do not see evidence for a supreme being, but also because of the interpretation of such a deity (or deities) has done so much incredible evil in this world.
I don't think religion is evil, but I do think the world would be better off without it. Supernatural belief in general can go, I'm not picky about having a deity or not.
This is not that uncommon of a view, it really isn't. As much as you think there may be a huge religious majority, and there is, 13% (source) of over 311 million is still 40 million. That is forty million people in this country alone who do not believe in a god.
But get ready, because here comes an uncommon opinion.

I don't like religious people.

Not all religious and supernatural-believing-type people. The wiccans in general don't piss me off except when they spout their supernatural stuff. The new-agers annoy the crap out of me when they try to tell me about something ridiculous. In general, however, people who subscribe to mainstream religion (abrahamic, basically - be it any sect of christianity, catholicism, islam, judaism) are people who start on my shit list.

Listen, I want to be very clear about this. This has nothing to do with your belief in a god that I don't believe in. Seriously. Well, it has a little bit to do with it, but only because of the fact that you call yourself a christian, or a muslim, or a jew. I don't think your belief in God is a correct or even prudent one. I think it is childish and misguided and foolish and false and I am going to do everything in my power to convince you of that fact - but none of that means I don't like you. So when I tell you that you are on my shit list from day one, I want you to understand it is not because I think you are wrong.

I want you to understand that when I say that you are on my shit list from day one, it is because of your label. You have this label that you use. You call yourself a christian. You call yourself a muslim.

Then this christian pastor goes and says something like "let's gather all the gays and lesbians and put them inside an electric fence, because that way they'll die out"



Yeah. That happened. Anyway, so this pastor comes out and says something crazy and us militant atheists add it to the "Horrible ideas created in the name of God we are glad nobody used" list and move on. But this weird thing happens when we pass this on to our religious friends.
This is a set of the typical responses to asking a religious person about this type of event
"Oh, he's not a real christian"
"I don't believe that"

Awesome, congratulations, you have a sense of morality. Good for you. Pat yourself on the back.

But here is what strikes me as odd. Many atheists see this type of thing and get angry, we see this and have a very strong emotional response to it. This man is standing up and saying how we need to put all the gays and lesbians and queers behind an electric fence and let them all die off because they can't reproduce. I don't care that this is a stupid idea because gay people are not born of gay people. Seriously, that is not what upsets me about this video.

What upsets me is that you don't care.

What upsets me is the fact that you see this man standing up there, standing in front of all those people, all those minds, and using the name of a belief that you proclaim to be a part of, and he is saying these hateful, ignorant and wrong things, and you know they are hateful and ignorant and wrong, that is why you don't believe them - but why does it not enrage you?

Why does it not infuriate you that someone is standing up there saying that they are a christian and that this is what christianity means, when you know they are wrong?

So if you are a religious person that stands up against this kind of idiocy, great. I am glad to hear that. But there are so many people out there who see something like this and just let it go without seeing any need to stand up and say no. Even the people in the audience of that sermon aplauded. I'm not saying that the fact that you didn't aplaud is not commendable. Again, good on you for having morals. But saying that you simply don't agree with his idea is idiocy as well. You know who else rounded up the gays. You know, and I know I don't have to remind you, because I know you know. Would you ever suggest that saying "I don't agree with that" is enough? No. It wasn't enough. We went to war against that idea. The idea that certain people should be rounded up and slaughtered was such a repugnant idea to us that an entire nation still deals with the fallout of an idea that was fought and defeated nearly one hundred years ago.

So why does it not enrage you when someone claiming to be of your belief system says something like this.

There is a great quote that sums this up very nicely. It was from an episode of Stargate, which, while not a great show, had its moments.

So here is the scene. Context: the Ori are these crazy powerful beings posing as Gods, the priors with the crazy eyes are their missionaries, they also have crazy power. And spaceships. Anyway, their believers have no idea the Ori feed on their belief and are just power hungry jerks. Interdimensional power hungry jerks.
In many ways, the believers are just like so many of us, they just believe, and the message in Origin (their book) is mostly a positive, loving, "Ori will bless you" sort of message.

But then this happens.
A little later, our Tomin goes back to talk to the Prior.
I always loved this scene, but never really figured out why. Recently, I watched the episode again, and realized why I loved it so much: this never happens. I never see the good people, the people who I know are good, kind, moral people, stand up and fight against the tyranny that pervades their leadership. I want so badly to see that anger in your eyes when someone claiming to stand up for your beliefs says something incredibly hateful, ignorant and wrong, and I don't understand why I don't see it.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

What do you think you are doing, young man?

So when I started doing fire arts when I was younger, I knew it was dangerous. I knew I was going to get burned, and I was ok with that.
But then I go and get a burn like this:
And after all these years of fire, and burning myself, and seeing others' burns, and getting rope and silk burns, this is my reaction upon seeing this thing in the mirror after it happened:

"OH MY GOD! IT LOOKS LIKE A BUNNY RABBIT, THAT IS SO CUTE!"
no, not "damn, that is a pretty gnarly looking burn"
not "man, that really sucks, that is gonna hurt tomorrow"
but "it looks like a bunny rabbit, that is so cute"

I've been doing this too long...
Anyway, off to work, where I get to perform aerial three nights in a row - I've got lots of bandages, don't worry.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

A Message For My Family

You've always been there for me, as any family should, and you have been one of the best I could imagine. I grew up surrounded by brilliant, kind, and caring human beings, and I am so incredibly lucky to have had that.
Now I have finished school, and I wanted to thank all those who have helped me along the way: my family.

For the video I made, click right here and it will take you to it.

Sunday, June 10, 2012

End of Tap

So I graduate college very soon, and that's all very exciting, HEY LOOK AT THESE VIDEOS!
Fall Tap Show and Spring Tap Show!
Anyway, that is the end of my tap career at UO, we'll see what happens next!

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Labels

I want to talk about labels for a minute here. It is such a common thing to hear from people my age that "oh, I don't like labels" and I get it, you don't want to box yourself in.
But when I ask a guy or a girl if she is gay, it isn't because I want to box them in, it is because I want to know if it is going to be worth my time to hit on them. I don't need a single word that will encompass your entire sexual identity, just the answer to a question that I didn't ask out loud, but is obvious from the context.
But here's the thing, we label ourselves and everything around us all the time. We do. I'm tall. I'm short. I'm awkward. He's funny. She's annoying. They're Asian. She's awesome. That table is a piece of crap. This store is better than that store. Hitler is evil.
Labels are names that we give to things so that we will be able to communicate about those subjects in a manner in which those around us will understand. This is the purpose of language, to communicate an idea from one person to another. Language does not define you - you choose which words you use to describe that table, that store, that turtle, that nazi - why do you think you are the exception?
You are not the exception. You choose which words to label yourself with, the label has no power that you do not give it.
I identify as bisexual. Many people would assert that bisexual means that I am actually supporting the gender binary, which I obviously don't, and this is bullshit. They are the ones boxing me in, not the word. I then explain, if I feel like I have the time, that pansexual would more accurately describe me, but most people don't know that word, and that the number of times I have to clarify that bisexual does not mean binary attraction to men and women, but rather spectrum attraction, is far less than the number of times I would have to explain what pansexual means. Why? Because nobody outside of the LGBT community seems to know that word. It is a frindle. It is a word which is of use only to those who don't need the concept explained to them, and in this regard, completely useless to me.

Language is a tool.
Labels are tools. If you mislabel yourself, or someone misinterprets the label you give yourself, then you change your label. You have the power to define yourself, and the words we have in our lexicon are at your disposal. If you choose not to define yourself, you are more than welcome to do so. If you want to make clear to those around you your sexuality, you are also welcome to do so.

We name things all the time. Whenever we open our months, we name things. And there is a lot of power in a name, so much power in naming something. Case and point, the power that the word "victim" has in a newspaper vs. the word "survivor." A simple word change, and yet it can make a huge difference in the situation. We name things around us, and we name ourselves, and we will continue to do so.

When I started to think that maybe I wasn't as normal and male as I once was led to believe, I went researching. I looked at all the labels I could find, and I spent a lot of time reading. Eventually, because I didn't like any of them, I settled on genderqueer, because it is the most general term I could find. To me, all it means is othergendered. I found a word that I could use to describe myself.

If you are looking for a label for yourself, look though them and find one that feels right. If you change, you can change the label. Labels are tools. Sometimes you have to jerry rig it, sometimes that wrench doesn't fit quite right, but it is close enough. So please, label yourself. Figure out who you are. You don't have to feel confined by a label, you define it, not the other way around.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Kaleidoscope: Cirque-Curious

So just over a month ago, I did a show with a newly formed group Kaleidoscope Cirkus.
In this show, I submitted a rope piece called
Carbon Based , and an acrobalance sextet called K

We are still waiting on the video, but I want to show you the photoset from our photographer (at least the ones pertaining to me, I'll put a link to the original here .
Oh yeah... I'm bald now, in case that was news to anyone.
So, here we are:

Carbon Based
























This is my acro piece that I choreographed

K

performed by Aeros Acrobatics
















Monday, April 2, 2012

It's the Final Countdown

DO do DOOO doooo... DOOdooDOOdoodooooooo (sorry)

Anyway, this is the final term of my undergrad career and it is gonna be awesome
CIS 110: introduction to computing
MATH 457: discrete dynamical systems
Those are my only two real classes

CIS: looks to be a total cakewalk, but it will be very useful in terms of website design and troubleshooting my mother's computer.

Math: I have heard amazing things about this professor (Prof. Ostrik), that he is brilliant and a great teacher. I'll believe that when I see it. He is incredibly russian, and I am gonna need a couple more days to get on top of it. I already figured out his version of "um" is "ahno" which I figured out is his lexicalized version of "I dunno"
For example
"And let's set the value of x to... i dunno... 4"
in Ostrikese
"Ant lesset value of esstoo ahno four"

As I said, going to take some getting used to, but I'll get there.
As for what the class is about, I have not the foggiest idea. I know it has to do with iterations and fractals to some degree (Mandelbrot set) and other cool stuff. The reasons I am in this class:
1. It is one of the only classes that I can take to complete my major, and it won out over the other two options because
1a. Fourier II would have kicked my ass
1b. Complex II would have been doable but
2. My mathmates are not in those classes, and all three of us are in 457, so 457 it is. Without those three, all four of us would have failed Fourier I

Other classes:
Tap III: gonna be awesome as usual

Juggling II: skipped juggling I cuz, let's be serious, I don't need that. My goals:
5 ball cascade (normal juggling pattern with crossing balls rather than the circle)
3 ball every outside catches (put your hands on your thighs, the point your fingers out and palm up - then catch a ball like that)
3 ball back crosses (throws behind the back)

Drumming II: african drumming, with some salsa, tango, other beats from around the world. Hand drumming

Contact Improv: improvisation through bodily contact with one's environment, be it a wall, a floor, a broom, or a giant puddle of dancers

Partnering: a modern dance class, give you one guess what we do in this class

And that is my entire term. That's it. As I said, piece of cake.
I'm very excited to say that I am moving later this week, just a mile, but my life is going to get way easier and way more fun after this move. More news to come.
LOVE YOU ALL

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Expectations

I want to talk for a minute about expectations and how rarely they match up with reality.
I want to talk about self-confidence and the power of a self-defeating attitude.
I want to talk about how many of my eye-rolls I do as a result of people whose expectations are lowered by their self-defeating attitude.

So the other day I was at work and I had a newbie, this happens about once a week. This newbie was, as are the majority of my adult students, female. Society has been telling this woman from birth that she is weak and pathetic and can't do anything physically as well as a man (which I am, for all intents and purposes) and so when she sees me doing something that looks physically difficult, her assumption is that she is not going to be able to. I tell her "don't you see - it has nothing to do with strength, it is all about technique, you can be the strongest man in the world, and without technique, you can't do a fraction of the stuff I can" and I try and I try to impress upon her that it has to do with the way you are doing it, not the size of your biceps.

She tried to climb and couldn't do it. She said "I can't do this, I'm not strong enough" and for anyone who has EVER taken my class you know that "I can't" is an unacceptable phrase unless it is followed by "yet."

Her particular problem was that she was rushing through a technique because when she was in the air doing it, she had to support her weight by her arms alone, and because she spent her whole life hearing "you are weak" she believed it. So, naturally, I decided to prove her wrong. I told her to do a dead hang - and to hold on to the rope and pick up her feet. She held on for about 10 seconds before her arms gave out. For those of you who have never done dead hang, for a beginner, 10 seconds is a very very long time. She got this huge look of surprise in her eyes like she never expected to do what she just did, and almost didn't believe it.

Then she climbed the rope to the top. Twice.

She expected to be weak, and so she was, and when I proved to her that she was not, she nailed it on the first try.

In my years of martial arts, dance, aerial arts, fire arts and sports, I have realized exactly one thing: people are way stronger, way smarter, and WAY more powerful than we give ourselves credit for.

I cannot count the times I hear a student say "I can't do it" and then I say "tough, do it anyway" and then they do it. I also cannot count the times I have heard a student say "I can't do it" and I say "tough, do it anyway" and then they get halfway through and give up, not because their arms gave out (I know what arms giving out looks like - you don't land gracefully or talk while it is happening, arms giving out is the point of falling) but because they didn't think they could do it.

You need to have faith in yourself. You need to stand up to everyone who ever said you can't, and you need to get right up in there and say "Watch me"

You need to believe that things are within your physical abilities. Sometimes they may not be. There are many things that I cannot do. Yet. But that list gets smaller and smaller every day, and that is because I push myself to realize my potential.

We are so complacent and so willing to give up, and sometimes, even with a teacher saying "I know you can, you just have to try" that we are so afraid of... actually, I have no idea what people are afraid of.

And then there are the people who come to my class and complain about it hurting or it being hard. To which I have to spend a great deal of energy not to reply "FUCKING DUH!"
When you do something amazing, you should expect it to be difficult, and you should expect that you will struggle, but if you do not expect that you will succeed, you will not.
If you do not go into an activity or a test or any aspect of life saying "I can do this" I almost guarantee you that you will not.

So please. If you want to come to my class to bitch and moan and whine about how much it hurts and about how hard it is and about how I make it look so easy -
1) how do you think I got to this point?
2) shut the fuck up and let me teach someone who actually wants to learn this stuff

The woman I was talking about earlier - I hope she comes back, because I can see the walls starting to come down and that is awesome, that is how it has to happen. But I have another student who is taking my aerial class and
1) is afraid I am going to drop her in acro
2) has a low threshold for pain
3) cannot do a pull up
4) doesn't want to strength train in class
5) wants to learn more than just climbing, which she has yet to do successfully

for those of you who don't know much about what I do - 2, 3, 4, 5 pretty much is what aerial is. It is pain, it is doing pull-ups, it is strength training, and it is climbing. What did you think this class would be like?

So (finals words, I promise) the next time you decide to do an activity, I want you to ask yourselves some questions
1) what do I expect this class to be like, and on what basis am I basing that expectation
2) what are my fears/desires and how far am I willing to push those
3) what are my physical limits and how far am I willing to go to increase them
4) what do I expect from myself
If your answer to number four is vastly higher than your answers to 1-3 would allow, I would suggest revisiting your priorities and what you actually want. Are you willing to go through the learning process in order to know what you want to know? Because if you are not, don't waste your teachers' time - we have better things to do than listen to you talk about how hard this is and then refuse to do any exercises that would make it easier.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Beauty of Failure

"Thomas Edison tried and failed nearly 2,000 times to develop the carbonized cotton-thread filament for the incandescent light bulb. And when asked about it, he said 'I didn't fail; I found out 2,000 ways how not to make a light bulb'"
~Nicolas Cage as Ben Gates in National Treasure

I have no idea if this is true or not, but it is a cool idea nonetheless, and one I want to talk about.



So somewhere over the past few years, I apparently became good at handstands. It was a gradual process, and I really couldn't point to a time when I couldn't do them and then I could. People have also started to notice, which means I am now getting questions asking for handstand advice.
By a huge margin, the most popular exchange I participate in is the following:
"Hey, what can I do to get better at handstands"
Do handstands...
"Are there any exercises that I can do to get better?"
Yeah, there are. They are called handstands



Handstands are a delicate balance within your body. You have to align everything just right so that everything is right where it needs to be so that all forces cancel and you are left perfectly still atop your hands. Moving your body through the air in a handstand is much like writing. Incredibly small moves can create large consequences, and precision is required. Handstands, as with writing, comes in personalized form - everyone does them differently. If you don't write for a while and then write an essay, your hand is going to cramp up because those muscles are not getting used. With handstands, your muscle memory is what keeps you up, not conscious thought, and so if you don't keep training your muscles, they will fail you.


There are some things in this world which are irreducibly complex, and handstands are almost one of them. You can do headstands and other smaller handbalancing tricks, and that will teach you what alignment feels like, but you are honestly better off doing that with handstands against a wall. In the end, the only way to learn how to extend through your arms and legs at the same time and to find a place where everything just settles in, is to fall a couple thousand times.


The idea is this. For any given goal, there are a large number of wrong answers (possibly infinite) and a smaller number of correct solutions. If you continue to attempt over and over and over again, and if you make sure to try to avoid making the same mistake more than once, you will eventually, in theory correct every single possible mistake you are making until you get it right.


We are just such a society that likes easy answers. I know. I am a math major - and wolframalpha is my best friend, and as my math teacher said "mathematicians are lazy." But more than easy answers we like success. That makes sense to me. I get that. Success is good, it makes us feel good and it means we have done something. This is why we as students (and as people) are taught that a good strategy for problem solving is to break the problem up and do different pieces at different times, or just to set small goals for ourselves in a long procedure. In general, this is one of the best advices I can give people. But not for circus. In circus, you have to just go. You have to know the idea, and you have to do it, and do it, and do it until you figure out what works. Because unlike math, or literature or many other worthwhile pursuits, circus has a handwriting aspect to it. Two people doing a math problem could very easily obtain the same solution through the same means, and it is likely the more simple the problem is. And someone can show you, and you can repeat exactly what they did. But with circus, as with writing, your body is unique. You and you alone have knowledge of how it works, and so you can imitate, but you cannot duplicate, what you see in others, and in learning from them, you are forced to develop your handwriting. 


So try a different approach. Just take your problem, and fail a few thousand times, and when you finally get it, it will be just about the best thing ever.

Friday, February 10, 2012

They Changed It

In one of my favorite movies, Dustin Hoffman, who plays the producer of a theatre, says to Johnny Depp, who plays J.M. Barrie, author and playwright of Peter Pan,

Charles Frohman: You know what happened, James, they changed it. 
J.M. Barrie: They changed what? 
Charles Frohman: The critics, they made it important... hm, what's it called? What's it called? 
J.M. Barrie: Play. 
Charles Frohman: Play.


And that really struck a chord with me. Taking something that we all love and changing it into something that it shouldn't be.

I had that realization about something in my life today that I love. Math class. Somewhere in the past 4 years of my life they changed it. I've seen it changed before, but not in my classroom.

I saw it 10 years ago, when I was deciding which middle school I liked best. I went to Vail, a school with a GATE program that looked great, and all was awesome until I went to the math class and saw kids who didn't understand, and didn't ask questions. They were actually afraid to ask questions, and I wondered why that was. Now I know, because they did it to my classroom.

Somewhere in the past three years, they took math class, and made it about knowing the answers. It used to be about finding the answers, about learning how other people found answers. But now it seems to be about having the answers. And when you speak up in class, and say "I'm sorry, I don't understand a word of what you just wrote on the board" or even "wait, what was that?" you get them ost incredulous looks from some students and the teacher who them procedes to explain to you like you are five just how clear it is that this definition makes it. To which I reply "well, it isn't clear because I don't get it" and then they give you a roundabout answer, you figure it out in the book yourself and we forget the whole thing happened.
When did questions become a bad thing? Cuz the way I remember it, and correct me if I'm wrong about this one, Mrs. Kolesikova, but a question was an opportunity the way I remembered it. An opportunity for the teacher to teach someone something, an opportunity for another student to get some clarity on something, and an opportunity for that student to get one of those ever elusive "ah-HA" moments that all mathematicians long for. A question was an indication that your job was not done yet, and that this student wanted to see this the way you saw it, and was brave enough to admit that he or she could not see it yet. Of course he or she can't, that is why they are in your class - to learn about what you have to teach.

So.

When I ask you to go over the first problem of the homework that I just spent the last 15 minutes talking to everyone around me about how nobody had a fucking clue what was going on in that problem, and you tell me "oh, it's a very naïve solution, I'll show you" (that is his word for "simple," I figured out) and then writes the solution and then basically scolds me for not understanding it. I believe his exact words were "we went over this in week three, so you have no excuse for not knowing this." By the way, I checked with the other kids in my class - nobody had seen that before, including the grad student we went to get help from. When you act like a question is a chore that you should put the least amount of effort into, you remember this, Professor: if I don't understand something, it is because you have not done your job in properly explaining something, and I am allowing you the opportunity to fix that.

I noticed something: this is the norm in math classes here...

What happened? Why did they change it?

The Times...

They are a'changin. I wanted to let everyone know that I am making decided changes in my life and the way I live it, and I believe I am so very much better for it. I felt it was good news, after struggling through last year a bit at times, and I wanted to share it with you guys.
Yeah. This year will be better, because I shall make it so.
That is all.
You guys are awesome!

Thursday, February 2, 2012

How To Not Accidentally Sound Like A Jerk

This is going to be the homophobia edition, because I can't really talk about anything else, but it is important that you know where this is coming from. It is coming from a discussion on race
Angry Eye is an experiment/experience conducted in which college aged students are separated by eye color, and various amounts of learning and tears ensue. I highly recommend you watch it before reading this post, but as it is over 50 minutes long, I'll do my best to write as if you have not.


"When I look at you, I don't see you black"
"When I look at you, I don't see you queer"
"You arn't a black person to me, you are my friend"
"You are not just a queer kid, you are my friend"

Gonna say right off, I want you to understand, never utter these phrases or anything involving these constructions. Ever. Especially those first two. Those are really gnarly, and now I am going to explain to you why that is.


I wrote this with the word black, so I'm just gonna keep it that way, but you can exchange it for the word queer, or alter-abled or any oppressed ethnicity or what have you.


"When I look at you, I don't see you as black"
What is intended: you are my friend, and I think of you as my friend, and I don't think of you as "that black person"

What this means to the speaker: I do care about you as a person, and I want to make it clear to you that I am not racist because you are my friend and it is the worst thing to have your friends think poorly of you.


What this implies to the listener: people whom you do not care about and who are not your friends (people not me), you do think of them as black. Furthermore, by being your friend, in your eyes, I have un-othered* myself. I have been grant
ed this privilege of no longer being othered by you, the otherer, because you are in power, and I am not, and as long as things remain that way, you want me to remain at a place where being your friend is the best thing I can do, because I am stuck this way.


Appropriate response: fuck you


*My definition: To be an other in a society like ours is to be a minority, and one that receives different treatment disproportionate to your difference. Handicapped spaces are an example of differing treatment that is not disproportionate, because the difference between alter-abled, and whatever you call someone who is not, often implies a more difficult time moving around. Putting a group alter-abled people in a separate school because their legs don't work is othering.


Many people on the privileged side of privilege are confused about this response, which I will reiterate, is quite reasonable. The point that you are missing is that what you intend and what it implies to a person who has been othered by society are completely different. This is not a bad thing, you should not be ashamed of your privilege, but you should be aware of it, and when someone gets (in your opinion) disproportionately pissed off at something you believed to be completely innocuous, chances are pretty good it is because you did not understand their point of view.
In such a situation, because you are trying to say "I care about you," now would be a great time to prove it. Explain that you did not understand what was so harmful about that statement, and then (second most importantly) ask them to explain it, and (most importantly) accept it as a truth, not an opinion. They experienced your words in this way, that is a fact. You are not here to argue if their experience is justified, you are here to understand why what happened happened and you are here to make sure it doesn't happen again, because they were hurt by your words, and you don't like hurting your friends, do you?


I was asked by a friend of mine, how would I avoid this negative implication. Simple answer, you can't. It simply cannot be done. This phrase will, and has in my experience, triggered anger nearly 100% of the time. It can't be done. The best thing you can do is understand why, and how to deal with it once it happens.


So I have had a lot of people of varying closeness in my life, and at one time or another, being human, many of them have made mistakes. Many of them have said "oh man, that is so gay" or "look at that faggot" or anything along those lines. It happens. I understand that. You have been trained to use the word gay as a synonym for "thing I don't like" and the word faggot to mean "that person I don't like" and this is not your fault. I understand that. It is the fault of those who came before you. It is your job now to be aware of that, and to take steps to change it.


When I point out that someone has made a booboo, there are, in general, three (four) categories that the reactions I receive fall into.
1. That wasn't what I meant
2. Oops
3. OH MY GOD I AM SO SORRY
(and the unspoken fourth category, because the people who say this are not my friends, and therefore I have no business trying to get them to understand)
4. Fuck you faggot


Two of these categories of response are acceptable, one is unnecessary, one makes all othered people sigh, and one of them will result in someone punching you in the face.


Gonna tackle them one by one.
1. That's not what I meant, you are taking this too seriously, calm down, etc.
These are the biggest privilege denying responses there are, and as a responsible friend to an othered person (hint, that is almost every single college aged person in America), it is your job to understand where your friend is coming from, and this response is not the way to tell them "I want to learn."
This is the one that will make people sigh, because we hear it all the time. If this kind of response were applied to a statement about women and a feminist spoke up, this response would be a great example of "mansplaining." It happens. All. The. Time. Remember people, I don't blame you for your training, but once I point out that you have done wrong, I expect you to be an adult about it and own up to it.
This is the most common response.


2. Best response you can give. Obviously, don't say "oops" but admit that what you said was wrong, and then ask how it was wrong (and listen to the response) and then, for the love of all that is good, don't make the same mistake twice. I know that what you did was most likely a knee jerk reaction to something. I know your brain went through the process of "I don't like that thing, that thing is (... umm... what's the word people use most ofte)GAY" and I don't blame you for that. So when I point it out, go "whoops" and mean it, and then try not to do it again. If you do, try to be mindful and correct yourself.


3. This one is almost the best response. Some people might love this one. I don't. And here's why.

  • If I care enough to point out that what you said was not ok, you are already my friend and I already like you.
  • If you are my friend, chances are you are not a racist/homophobic sack of shit.
  • If you are not a homophobic sack of shit, chances are occurrences like this are fairly rare.
  • If occurrences like this are fairly rare, you deserve the benefit of the doubt that this was the result of societal training and not you being a supreme douchecanoe.
  • If the occurrence was the result of societal training, I don't need a huge apology.



That's it - I just don't need one. You are my friend, and all I need to know is that you recognize that what you said is wrong and will try not to do it again. Mistake leads to apology leads to forgiveness leads to move on. If you dwell on any of those steps, you will not be the better for it.


4. Fuck you faggot.
Fuck you, you privilege-denying, slur-slinging, homophobic, insecure, sack of ignorant shit, you have no place in my life, begone with your hate filled discriminatory ways.




Have I said things that were interpreted in other ways than I intended? Does the sun rise in the morning? Am I white? Uhhh, yeah. Did I react perfectly every time? Psh.
Do I endeavor to be better? Absolutely. Do I believe I deserve some of that benefit of the doubt? Yes. Do I believe I should be excused from my mistakes? No, but I believe I should be forgiven.
In this instance, I do my best to apply the golden rule. I treat those who make mistakes with the same level of forgiveness and compassion with which I would expect to be treated.


So, How To Not Accidentally Sound Like A Jerk: can't be done. However, what you can do is this: realize when you have been a jerk, apologize for being a jerk, and hope that your friends and you have a loving enough relationship so that they can forgive you, and then you in turn forgive them when they make mistakes, because everybody does it. Everybody has some privilege.
My roommate and I have been working on an idea of the überprivilege. It is the following (in America, mind you)
Straight, white, cissexual, male, able-bodied, young, thin, christian, there may have been others but that's what I've got.

If you are a gay, african, transwoman, alter-abled, old, heavy, and muslim in america, you might have a case for not having any privilege. But if you have any of those privileges, be aware of them, and be aware that you are at risk for saying something stupid and offending someone you love. Just remember that you love them and can convey that, and you'll be fine, I expect.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Christmasness

SO! For christmas, there were two things I wanted. Just two. And my lovely family helped me out with both of them. One is silly, one is serious. Oh, and I shaved my head, in case any of you guys didn't know that...
I got a sonic screwdriver! For those of you who don't know, this comes from a TV show called Doctor Who. He is a time traveling alien with awesome technology, and this particular item, which can open doors, reprogram stuff, take readings of stuff (mine does none of these, mine just glows and makes noise and expands and contracts) and various other awesome things that need to be done, and the writers need a one-size-fits-all tech device to handle these jobs. I have become quite the Whovian in the past 6 months (watched the entire 6 season reboot run in about 2 or 3 months). Anyway, this is the screwdriver of the 11th doctor, who is my favorite, and I very much identify with him. So now I have his screwdriver, and I just like to point it and make it make noises because it makes me feel awesome. Doctor Who is all about living in this world, but that this universe is way more cool and complicated than we ever expected. This screwdriver is my way of playing make-believe. Long story short: Doctor Who is all about remembering the giddy joy of being a child seeing new things.
So I'd like to thank Jim for getting it for me, it makes me very happy, and I hope to hold on to it for a long time!

In other Doctor Who news: my roomie bought me this TARDIS (Time And Relative Dimension In Space - it's the Doctor's time machine, and it is a huge spaceship that is bigger on the inside and disguises itself as a 1950's London police box) mug. This thing is awesome, when you pour hot liquid into it, the TARDIS disappears from this side of the mug
And reappears on the other side! (The weird noise is the TARDIS engines, I just love that noise. The song is the Doctor Who theme song, 11th doctor rendition)

So those were silly gifts, but I also bought for myself with my christmas money a pair of fire fans.
I had been training with someone elses fire fans, but they were a bit flimsy and old, and they eventually broke (note: I didn't break them, they were very old and lived a long life, I just worked them very hard when I adopted them) and so I had to get some new ones. I went and bought the big brother (heavyweight) version of the fans I had before, and they FINALLY got here. Anyway, I had my first burn with them on wednesday night, so this is the fans after just being used. Very grateful to my family who helped me buy them, and helped me to continue my fan crusade (that's another post, I fear) and circus/fire exploration.

Then, I went and bought myself a present, one that I have wanted for a while, and I am actually going to get to wear it for a party next month (and anytime I want, really...)
I bought myself... wait for it: a corset! Yes, I know, not exactly the body for a corset, but I got an underbust one, and those work surprisingly well for male bodies.
It is all black and shiny and has shiny buckles on it. Not real buckles, purely decorational, but they do their job well. Anyway, I love it.

So I think that's it for christmas stuffs. Thank you again to the family for being so fantastic while I was up there, and for helping me get my fire fans. Hopefully there will be a video of those soon.

Happy New Year, and I love you!