Angry Eye is an experiment/experience conducted in which college aged students are separated by eye color, and various amounts of learning and tears ensue. I highly recommend you watch it before reading this post, but as it is over 50 minutes long, I'll do my best to write as if you have not.
"When I look at you, I don't see you black"
"When I look at you, I don't see you queer"
"You arn't a black person to me, you are my friend"
"You are not just a queer kid, you are my friend"
Gonna say right off, I want you to understand, never utter these phrases or anything involving these constructions. Ever. Especially those first two. Those are really gnarly, and now I am going to explain to you why that is.
I wrote this with the word black, so I'm just gonna keep it that way, but you can exchange it for the word queer, or alter-abled or any oppressed ethnicity or what have you.
"When I look at you, I don't see you as black"
What is intended: you are my friend, and I think of you as my friend, and I don't think of you as "that black person"
What this means to the speaker: I do care about you as a person, and I want to make it clear to you that I am not racist because you are my friend and it is the worst thing to have your friends think poorly of you.
What this implies to the listener: people whom you do not care about and who are not your friends (people not me), you do think of them as black. Furthermore, by being your friend, in your eyes, I have un-othered* myself. I have been granted this privilege of no longer being othered by you, the otherer, because you are in power, and I am not, and as long as things remain that way, you want me to remain at a place where being your friend is the best thing I can do, because I am stuck this way.
Appropriate response: fuck you
*My definition: To be an other in a society like ours is to be a minority, and one that receives different treatment disproportionate to your difference. Handicapped spaces are an example of differing treatment that is not disproportionate, because the difference between alter-abled, and whatever you call someone who is not, often implies a more difficult time moving around. Putting a group alter-abled people in a separate school because their legs don't work is othering.
Many people on the privileged side of privilege are confused about this response, which I will reiterate, is quite reasonable. The point that you are missing is that what you intend and what it implies to a person who has been othered by society are completely different. This is not a bad thing, you should not be ashamed of your privilege, but you should be aware of it, and when someone gets (in your opinion) disproportionately pissed off at something you believed to be completely innocuous, chances are pretty good it is because you did not understand their point of view.
In such a situation, because you are trying to say "I care about you," now would be a great time to prove it. Explain that you did not understand what was so harmful about that statement, and then (second most importantly) ask them to explain it, and (most importantly) accept it as a truth, not an opinion. They experienced your words in this way, that is a fact. You are not here to argue if their experience is justified, you are here to understand why what happened happened and you are here to make sure it doesn't happen again, because they were hurt by your words, and you don't like hurting your friends, do you?
I was asked by a friend of mine, how would I avoid this negative implication. Simple answer, you can't. It simply cannot be done. This phrase will, and has in my experience, triggered anger nearly 100% of the time. It can't be done. The best thing you can do is understand why, and how to deal with it once it happens.
So I have had a lot of people of varying closeness in my life, and at one time or another, being human, many of them have made mistakes. Many of them have said "oh man, that is so gay" or "look at that faggot" or anything along those lines. It happens. I understand that. You have been trained to use the word gay as a synonym for "thing I don't like" and the word faggot to mean "that person I don't like" and this is not your fault. I understand that. It is the fault of those who came before you. It is your job now to be aware of that, and to take steps to change it.
When I point out that someone has made a booboo, there are, in general, three (four) categories that the reactions I receive fall into.
1. That wasn't what I meant
2. Oops
3. OH MY GOD I AM SO SORRY
(and the unspoken fourth category, because the people who say this are not my friends, and therefore I have no business trying to get them to understand)
4. Fuck you faggot
Two of these categories of response are acceptable, one is unnecessary, one makes all othered people sigh, and one of them will result in someone punching you in the face.
Gonna tackle them one by one.
1. That's not what I meant, you are taking this too seriously, calm down, etc.
These are the biggest privilege denying responses there are, and as a responsible friend to an othered person (hint, that is almost every single college aged person in America), it is your job to understand where your friend is coming from, and this response is not the way to tell them "I want to learn."
This is the one that will make people sigh, because we hear it all the time. If this kind of response were applied to a statement about women and a feminist spoke up, this response would be a great example of "mansplaining." It happens. All. The. Time. Remember people, I don't blame you for your training, but once I point out that you have done wrong, I expect you to be an adult about it and own up to it.
This is the most common response.
2. Best response you can give. Obviously, don't say "oops" but admit that what you said was wrong, and then ask how it was wrong (and listen to the response) and then, for the love of all that is good, don't make the same mistake twice. I know that what you did was most likely a knee jerk reaction to something. I know your brain went through the process of "I don't like that thing, that thing is (... umm... what's the word people use most ofte)GAY" and I don't blame you for that. So when I point it out, go "whoops" and mean it, and then try not to do it again. If you do, try to be mindful and correct yourself.
3. This one is almost the best response. Some people might love this one. I don't. And here's why.
- If I care enough to point out that what you said was not ok, you are already my friend and I already like you.
- If you are my friend, chances are you are not a racist/homophobic sack of shit.
- If you are not a homophobic sack of shit, chances are occurrences like this are fairly rare.
- If occurrences like this are fairly rare, you deserve the benefit of the doubt that this was the result of societal training and not you being a supreme douchecanoe.
- If the occurrence was the result of societal training, I don't need a huge apology.
That's it - I just don't need one. You are my friend, and all I need to know is that you recognize that what you said is wrong and will try not to do it again. Mistake leads to apology leads to forgiveness leads to move on. If you dwell on any of those steps, you will not be the better for it.
4. Fuck you faggot.
Fuck you, you privilege-denying, slur-slinging, homophobic, insecure, sack of ignorant shit, you have no place in my life, begone with your hate filled discriminatory ways.
Have I said things that were interpreted in other ways than I intended? Does the sun rise in the morning? Am I white? Uhhh, yeah. Did I react perfectly every time? Psh.
Do I endeavor to be better? Absolutely. Do I believe I deserve some of that benefit of the doubt? Yes. Do I believe I should be excused from my mistakes? No, but I believe I should be forgiven.
In this instance, I do my best to apply the golden rule. I treat those who make mistakes with the same level of forgiveness and compassion with which I would expect to be treated.
So, How To Not Accidentally Sound Like A Jerk: can't be done. However, what you can do is this: realize when you have been a jerk, apologize for being a jerk, and hope that your friends and you have a loving enough relationship so that they can forgive you, and then you in turn forgive them when they make mistakes, because everybody does it. Everybody has some privilege.
My roommate and I have been working on an idea of the überprivilege. It is the following (in America, mind you)
Straight, white, cissexual, male, able-bodied, young, thin, christian, there may have been others but that's what I've got.
If you are a gay, african, transwoman, alter-abled, old, heavy, and muslim in america, you might have a case for not having any privilege. But if you have any of those privileges, be aware of them, and be aware that you are at risk for saying something stupid and offending someone you love. Just remember that you love them and can convey that, and you'll be fine, I expect.
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