An aimless entry

I have decided to write an entry in this blog. However, I have no idea what I am going to write - there is no purpose. I am going to start talking, and I am not going to stop. I will not edit (so beware of spelling errors, if I miss 'em the first time round, they are not going anywhere).

Some good news for my life: things are starting to calm down with my schedule a bit, and Evan and I are finding time for "us" time. I know, it sounds like a couple, but we used to hang out all the time in the dorms last year and just relax together. We didn't really have the time to do that this year. But with the addition of the nameless (although we decided it is a girl) hookah to our house, we are making time to smoke it together and just talk and have a good time. It really is making a difference - I feel a little bit less alone.

I'm afraid that some times you'll play lonely games too. Games you can't win 'cause you'll play against you.
All Alone! Whether you like it or not, alone will be something you'll be quite a lot. And when you're alone, there's a very good chance you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants. There are some, down the road between hither and yon, that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.
But on you will go though the weather be foul. On you will go though your enemies prowl. One you will go though the Hakken-Kraks howl. Onward up many a frightening creek though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak.
On and on you will hike. And I know you'll hike far and face up to your problems whatever they are.

If you don't know what that is from, you need to educate yourself.

I have been feeling really alone recently. Most of my friends live on the other side of town, and I don't have a car, and biking around Eugene at night, while fun, is very tiring. It means that once I leave school, I'm pretty much only with the people at my house, meaning Evan. So it's good that we are hanging out again. To add to the feeling alone, I am sustaining a long distance relationship with a girl who lives 20 minutes by car from me. And a girl who goes to school not half a mile from me... Evan sees his girlfriend more than I see Chelsea, and his girlfriend lives in Corvallis... This is more than a little bit depressing. But to all the naysayers who scoffed or got uppity about this thing with Chelsea and I, you all can suck it. She is an incredible human being, and I have made up my mind that I am going to do whatever it takes to have her in my life. We will make this happen, if we have to wait we will do it. If we have to fight, we will fight.
In other news, I have a new friend! Her name is Sara, and we met under very interesting circumstances. We met about four times. The first time outside of my tap class, and she told me she was the roomie of a friend(ish) of mine. I saw her again three weeks later getting breakfast, and didn't remember her, and she introduced herself a second time. Then we ended up in class this term, and I went up to her and said "I feel like we've met before. Who are you?" and she patiently explained who she was, and that this was the third time we had met. I decided it was time to remember this girl, so I found her on facebook, and took time to remember her. Now we sit together in class, dance together in lab, and we've started talking outside of class. She is going to come over next week and we are going to watch Memento (with neither of us have seen). She will be the first person to watch something on my projector with me, so that'll be fun! I have a hypothesis why I could not remeber her. It was not yet time for us to be friends. In HIMYM philosophy, before I could meet Sara, I had to become the person I am today. I truly believe that I have changed in significant ways in the last year to the point that if we had taken the time to get to know each other when we first met, we would not have gotten along, and it would have ruined the chance at friendship now. So yeah, now I am me, and I am glad of that.

Classes: philosophy is my favorite academic class... how wrong is that? I like discussing philosophy at a time other than 7:30 in the morning (senior year, that's what I did) and I really like some of the kids in my section. The subject matter is all about identity in society (which was the source of my crisis of "self" about a month ago) and I really enjoy talking about it and learning the history of how people thought about the self. And in unit two, we are considering identitys outside of race, specifically, gender and sexuality, which is a hot topic for me! Oh, and the fact that I have a crush on my GTF helps too... Braedon has decided he is going to hum "hot for teacher" whenever I walk by...
MATH SUCKS! Correction: proofs suck. Nobody in this class is enjoying themselves, and we are all just scraping by. I will be happy with a C+ in this class, and overjoyed if I can get a B+. Yeah, it is that hard...
Tap is still fantastic, and I tap dance all the time now in my tennis shoes. Dance improv is boring, but it inspires me in other aspects of my life. I have taken some of the lessons we have learned in improv and applied them to teaching creativity in my circus life.
Looking at dance is boring, mostly because I don't care about dance history that much, but it is an easy class, and the Labs are fun because we get to dance.
Linguistics is interesting, and challenging, just the way I like it. Not much more to say, other than I will have more crazy linguistics stuff to present to my grammarian grandmother when I get back home for christmas. Yeah, that's right g'ma, I'm talkin' to you! We are gonna have more fun with morphemes than you ever thought possible!

I am going to say a quick thing about the Strowler show in seattle. This sucks, and I am struggling with how to pull this thing off. But as Koe said, I have a talent for pulling things out of my ass when I need to, so I hope it goes well... I am not going to complain about my troubles with it, nor rant about the insensitivity of inconsistency and apathy.
Official statement: I have a huge show in 10 days. I do not know how to fill 1/3 of it up, and that is ok. I will figure something out, and I will blow that audience away. You'll see - when I post the blog about my first out of state show and what an amazing experience it was, there will be no doubt in anybody's mind that I can do anything I set my mind to. Because I am Fenix. I am strong, and I know who I am. I am a creative person, capable of embodying the images I placed upon my body. I am flexible and capable of adapting to any space I am placed in, and I am the most powerful force in the universe. When one of my ideas is shown to fail for one reason or another, it is not the death of the idea, it is the birth of another. When one part of my dies, another is born. I am constantly in flux, constantly learning, and not a one person in the whole of the world can stop me.
I am born on September 19th, 1990 to two married parents. Those parents were divorced twice before I realized by own duality. I am attracted to men and women alike, and I think that if everyone would realize the beauty and love that both sexes and all genders are capable of expressing, the world world would be a better place. I am biologically male, but many days I wake up and feel female, whether I express it or not. I cannot see a time in the future where I would impose this on my life, but when someone calls me Fenix in everyday life or uses female pronouns when I am wearing a skirt it makes me happier than I can express. It makes me even happier when someone uses feminine pronouns when I am wearing regular guy clothes, but that person knows me well enough to know when I am a girl, and when I am a boy.
I like circus and dance, and I believe that I will be involved in those things for the rest of my life. History has proven that art is constantly evolving, and whenever someone thinks that we can do all that is possible, someone invents a new art form.
I have been involved in several relationships, some with men, some with women, some with both at the same time. I have been with people younger than me, some with people older. I have been with straight people, bi people, and gay people. I have been with cisgendered people, and queer people like myself.

There are many facets to me, as there are to every person. These are some of them. There are some that are so basic that they are not worth stating in a blog, because they would bore you, and some so extreme I would not put them in a blog, because they are private things that I only share with select people.

This week past was spirit week. We had coming out day on monday, and I told my coming out story. It was very powerful to say it out loud, into a microphone, to quite a few dozen people, with all the others passing by (we were in the middle of campus). The idea was to come out, to be proud of who you are, and to share your story with others. Then we had Queer Skate that afternoon. I like skating, and I like queer people, but this was something else entirely. It was a very unique experience to be in that room. I could know, beyond all shadow of a doubt, that ever single person in the room accepted me for who I was. I have never understood the need for gay pride events. Now I do. To be able to say what you want and do what you want and not worry about getting called faggot or looked at funny for how you dress (because we were all dressed pretty silly) is an amazing experience. Then there was the queer dance friday, and that was a blast. I danced with a bunch of people as a girl. People treated me like a girl. When we were getting our grind on, I was in front, even with people who were actually girls. They understood the need to be accepted, and they used the right pronouns and everything.

That's all I got for now...