The Estrogen Questigen

I have been thinking about this idea for a few months now, weighing both sides of it and putting consideration into it. I have made my choice for now, but that is not to say I will revisit it sometime in the future. But, because I try to put down anything really important that happens to me on this blog, I figured I should write it down - just waiting for the right time for that. I have decided that time is now. So here goes.

For a transgender person going from male to female, the first step in transitioning is taking estrogen and coupling it with testosterone blockers. The next steps are orchiectomy (science speak for castration) and finally SRS/GRS (sexual/gender reassignment surgery) with the optional breast augmentation. That is the normal path to take. But I am not transgender. I live part of my life as a man, and part of it as a woman. I live more of my life as a woman than most people know, and more than I would usually care to admit to myself. I would honestly say that more than 50% of the days I wake up I wish I was a woman and would be seen as such. Then I look down and see my chest and groin, and I am reminded of what I am not, and what I am not seen as. I have been experiencing a lot of bodily self-loathing as a result of this. And you can tell me until the end of time that it isn't healthy, and that I need to learn to accept myself. To this, I answer with the following: fuck you. Gender dysphoria is so difficult to deal with. In some regards, I would say transfolk have it easier than we do - they at least know what they are and have a clear path to take to relieve their dissonance. For genderqueer folks who say that, to them I say: you are not me, you don't know what I think, and if you have found the almighty secret to self-acceptance (also, I want to say I know no male-bodied genderqueers*, so it's not like I really have anyone to talk to on this one) that is great, but unless you want to share it with me - shut up.

*if you are a male bodied genderqueer, please speak up and give me your perspective on this one

Now, I don't want to undergo an orchiectomy, nor do I want SRS. I like my genitalia, it is nice, I have use for it. And to be perfectly honest, I could live with the possible sterility that is possible with estrogen/testosterone blockers. Adoption is a perfectly valid option, and we have to many kids in the world yadayadayada you all know this spiel. But that is not the center of this internal debate. I am not thinking long term on this one, in fact. The long term consequences actually favor taking estrogen and T-blockers so incredibly, it is incredible that I haven't done it already. But it is the short term consequences that frighten me and have caused this long back and forth in my brain.

Estrogen and T-blockers (ETB from now on) have many effects on the human body. Breast tissue will grow over time, body hair will become finer and less dark, fat will be redistributed, and hips widen. Let me say right now up front that all of these things are what I want. Especially the breasts and hair part. I would be so incredibly excited for that, you cannot possibly understand. ETB also causes (in the long run) testicular atrophy, which is also acceptable for me. ETB does not kill your sex drive (not that I have a very impressive one to begin with) nor inhibit your ability to engage in all the sex acts you normally would be able to without them (i.e. does not prevent an erection - however, it does reduce almost to nothing the frequency that unwanted erections occur, which would be a serious plus). So far we have all good effects and no negative side effects. But there is the big one looming on the horizon of my decision. This final effect would effectively make me chose between my public, private and social happiness in life, and my job, which is the source of the greatest happiness I have.
ETB decreases muscle mass.
Something as small as that would not perturb most people - most genderqueers would not balk at this or even give it a second thought. However, most genderqueers are not professional circus performers. As a circus performer, I could live with the breasts - they would allow me to be male (binding is always an option if I want to ignore them for a few hours) or female. I could live with the hips - some guys have feminine hips. I could live with the testicular atrophy - they wouldn't get in the way as much. I could live with the hair decrease - fire would become a lot simpler to deal with. But if I were to lose muscle mass, it would effectively destroy my aerial career. I am a good aerialist. I can compete with many amazing performers out there who are far more flexible than I will ever be. And the sole reason I can do this is because I am incredibly strong for my size. I can do things with my body that nobody else I know can do, and this is primarily due to my muscles.

When I go to school and sit in class wearing girl clothes, everyone looks at me like I am a freak. I can't even go to a dance class as a girl - I have to wear skintight clothes and while I can tuck, my form is hyper-masculine, and there is no way around it. As a physical artist, I am undeniably male. And because the physical art is such a huge part of my life, the fact that half of my gender is excluded from this is incredibly painful.
If I took ETB and grew breasts (even small ones) and got some of my weight redistributed, those problems would go away. I would be able to go to class as a woman, walk into a bank as a woman and have nobody look at me strangely. I would be able to wake up in the morning and put on a bra and not feel like I am being offensive to transfolk and cis-women. I mean that, I have not worn a bra outside of my house in 6 months because whenever I even consider it, I cannot shake the feeling that I am somehow cheating and offending someone. Bras are for people with breasts and people who make their living impersonating women. I would love to be able to put on the clothes that I want without feeling like I am trying to fool someone. I would love to walk into the bathroom with my head held high when I am a woman - actually walk into the women's bathroom because people see that I am a woman. But it would force me to redefine myself as an aerialist. I would all of the sudden be competing with all the women in the world. Right now, I am not competing with them - they are not on the list of people I worry about. There are some women who are as strong or stronger than me, but they are few and far between - if I lose the one thing that separates me from them and puts us on a level playing field, they will win. I am not flexible, I will never have their beautiful form that they grew into having estrogen pumped into their system since early puberty.
I cannot hope to be an aerialist in that world if I lose what I have.

So I have been forced to make a choice between my personal happiness and my professional happiness.
This is not far from the age old question of love vs. career. And I chose career.
I can deal with personal pain. I can deal with feeling ashamed of my body whenever I am a woman and nobody but me can see the pain I am in because my body does not even come close to matching my brain. I can deal with the awkward glances and having to walk into the mens bathroom when I feel nothing like a man. I can deal with never being looked at as a woman in my dance classes, never being able to truly express myself as a dancer because I can only use half of my self. But I cannot, at least right now, deal with losing my career as an aerialist.

So, that is the estrogen questigen, and my take on it. If anything I have said is factually incorrect, feel free (please) to correct me. If you disagree with my opinion on my gender or the way I am perceived, you can shove it. If you have input or insight on what I should do, it depends on what you have to say - if it is going to shed light on an angle of this I have not considered, fantastic - if you are going to tell me not to do ETB because I am a boy, I will call you, and then tell you myself to shove it.

EDIT
I got a huge response to this post (as well as it's sister on facebook) from the trans community that I know, as well as very helpful friends. I had no idea so many people were listening, and that was a revelation all by itself. I was thinking about this problem all day today, and I had several new thoughts as a result of my own ideas and some ideas people proposed to me.

1. I have a lot of muscle mass, and while estrogen makes building muscle very hard, I don't have to build it - I have to maintain it, and I am fairly certain that on ETB combined with my job and insanely active lifestyle, maintaining muscle mass might actually be doable.

2. Aurelia Cohen, my first silks teacher has muscles as big as I do. No, I am not being hyperbolic - she has huge muscles. And it is hot. Being a person with almost no testosterone and a lot of estrogen, she still manages to be that  ripped, and I have a head start.

3. I have to thank my friends Cyndi, Ryan, and London for this one. They both had similar views on it, and I wanted to put those into my own words. Yesterday, I had it in my mind that I had to choose between career and life because helping one would hurt the other. These three amazing human beings reminded me that this is not so. If I am not happy in my life, that will actively impede my ability to do my job. "You will end up insane from gender angst." I thought about it for a while, and realized she was completely right. "I personally feel that once you personally feel content with yourself in your own skin, then everything will fall into place" and she is completely right as well. Only after I am content with myself (obviously, we are never complete, but once I am headed in the right direction) can I actually succeed in being myself, including in my work.


4. Something I didn't think about (which, in hindsight, was really dumb) was brought up by Ashley, although she didn't know it. On a comment on my facebook note, she said "small boobs are awesome. and sports bras are amazing, sorry the carie. we could match fenix!!! ;)" and I thought about her body. I am so envious of her body, and I am not afraid to say it. And without realizing it, she had brought up a perfectly valid point that tipped the scales in a very large way.
Despite the fact that I will lose muscle mass, or at least have to work really hard to maintain it. Despite the fact that ETB will be hard on my system and it will take a long time to adjust. Despite all of the negative effects: WORTH IT! I want to look at myself and see a body that reflects my mind. I want to look down in the shower and see the body I see myself with in my sleep (yes, that's right - in my dreams, I am a woman sometimes).


So, I guess what I'm saying is this: I didn't consider all the angles - and that is exactly why I published this. I wanted opinions and voices from people who know what they are talking about, and who know and love me more than I will ever know. Now I have more angles, and with what I've got now - I plan to talk to my parents and get set up to talk to a doctor/therapist to get the ball rolling on this one and find out more.


Thank you all again for your love and support - goodness knows I am gonna need it!