How To Not Accidentally Sound Like A Jerk

This is going to be the homophobia edition, because I can't really talk about anything else, but it is important that you know where this is coming from. It is coming from a discussion on race
Angry Eye is an experiment/experience conducted in which college aged students are separated by eye color, and various amounts of learning and tears ensue. I highly recommend you watch it before reading this post, but as it is over 50 minutes long, I'll do my best to write as if you have not.


"When I look at you, I don't see you black"
"When I look at you, I don't see you queer"
"You arn't a black person to me, you are my friend"
"You are not just a queer kid, you are my friend"
Gonna say right off, I want you to understand, never utter these phrases or anything involving these constructions. Ever. Especially those first two. Those are really gnarly, and now I am going to explain to you why that is.


I wrote this with the word black, so I'm just gonna keep it that way, but you can exchange it for the word queer, or alter-abled or any oppressed ethnicity or what have you.


"When I look at you, I don't see you as black"
What is intended: you are my friend, and I think of you as my friend, and I don't think of you as "that black person"

What this means to the speaker: I do care about you as a person, and I want to make it clear to you that I am not racist because you are my friend and it is the worst thing to have your friends think poorly of you.

What this implies to the listener: people whom you do not care about and who are not your friends (people not me), you do think of them as black. Furthermore, by being your friend, in your eyes, I have un-othered* myself. I have been granted this privilege of no longer being othered by you, the otherer, because you are in power, and I am not, and as long as things remain that way, you want me to remain at a place where being your friend is the best thing I can do, because I am stuck this way.


Appropriate response: fuck you


*My definition: To be an other in a society like ours is to be a minority, and one that receives different treatment disproportionate to your difference. Handicapped spaces are an example of differing treatment that is not disproportionate, because the difference between alter-abled, and whatever you call someone who is not, often implies a more difficult time moving around. Putting a group alter-abled people in a separate school because their legs don't work is othering.


Many people on the privileged side of privilege are confused about this response, which I will reiterate, is quite reasonable. The point that you are missing is that what you intend and what it implies to a person who has been othered by society are completely different. This is not a bad thing, you should not be ashamed of your privilege, but you should be aware of it, and when someone gets (in your opinion) disproportionately pissed off at something you believed to be completely innocuous, chances are pretty good it is because you did not understand their point of view.
In such a situation, because you are trying to say "I care about you," now would be a great time to prove it. Explain that you did not understand what was so harmful about that statement, and then (second most importantly) ask them to explain it, and (most importantly) accept it as a truth, not an opinion. They experienced your words in this way, that is a fact. You are not here to argue if their experience is justified, you are here to understand why what happened happened and you are here to make sure it doesn't happen again, because they were hurt by your words, and you don't like hurting your friends, do you?


I was asked by a friend of mine, how would I avoid this negative implication. Simple answer, you can't. It simply cannot be done. This phrase will, and has in my experience, triggered anger nearly 100% of the time. It can't be done. The best thing you can do is understand why, and how to deal with it once it happens.


So I have had a lot of people of varying closeness in my life, and at one time or another, being human, many of them have made mistakes. Many of them have said "oh man, that is so gay" or "look at that faggot" or anything along those lines. It happens. I understand that. You have been trained to use the word gay as a synonym for "thing I don't like" and the word faggot to mean "that person I don't like" and this is not your fault. I understand that. It is the fault of those who came before you. It is your job now to be aware of that, and to take steps to change it.


When I point out that someone has made a booboo, there are, in general, three (four) categories that the reactions I receive fall into.
1. That wasn't what I meant
2. Oops
3. OH MY GOD I AM SO SORRY
(and the unspoken fourth category, because the people who say this are not my friends, and therefore I have no business trying to get them to understand)
4. Fuck you faggot


Two of these categories of response are acceptable, one is unnecessary, one makes all othered people sigh, and one of them will result in someone punching you in the face.


Gonna tackle them one by one.
1. That's not what I meant, you are taking this too seriously, calm down, etc.
These are the biggest privilege denying responses there are, and as a responsible friend to an othered person (hint, that is almost every single college aged person in America), it is your job to understand where your friend is coming from, and this response is not the way to tell them "I want to learn."
This is the one that will make people sigh, because we hear it all the time. If this kind of response were applied to a statement about women and a feminist spoke up, this response would be a great example of "mansplaining." It happens. All. The. Time. Remember people, I don't blame you for your training, but once I point out that you have done wrong, I expect you to be an adult about it and own up to it.
This is the most common response.


2. Best response you can give. Obviously, don't say "oops" but admit that what you said was wrong, and then ask how it was wrong (and listen to the response) and then, for the love of all that is good, don't make the same mistake twice. I know that what you did was most likely a knee jerk reaction to something. I know your brain went through the process of "I don't like that thing, that thing is (... umm... what's the word people use most ofte)GAY" and I don't blame you for that. So when I point it out, go "whoops" and mean it, and then try not to do it again. If you do, try to be mindful and correct yourself.


3. This one is almost the best response. Some people might love this one. I don't. And here's why.

• If I care enough to point out that what you said was not ok, you are already my friend and I already like you.
• If you are my friend, chances are you are not a racist/homophobic sack of shit.
• If you are not a homophobic sack of shit, chances are occurrences like this are fairly rare.
• If occurrences like this are fairly rare, you deserve the benefit of the doubt that this was the result of societal training and not you being a supreme douchecanoe.
• If the occurrence was the result of societal training, I don't need a huge apology.

That's it - I just don't need one. You are my friend, and all I need to know is that you recognize that what you said is wrong and will try not to do it again. Mistake leads to apology leads to forgiveness leads to move on. If you dwell on any of those steps, you will not be the better for it.


4. Fuck you faggot.
Fuck you, you privilege-denying, slur-slinging, homophobic, insecure, sack of ignorant shit, you have no place in my life, begone with your hate filled discriminatory ways.




Have I said things that were interpreted in other ways than I intended? Does the sun rise in the morning? Am I white? Uhhh, yeah. Did I react perfectly every time? Psh.
Do I endeavor to be better? Absolutely. Do I believe I deserve some of that benefit of the doubt? Yes. Do I believe I should be excused from my mistakes? No, but I believe I should be forgiven.
In this instance, I do my best to apply the golden rule. I treat those who make mistakes with the same level of forgiveness and compassion with which I would expect to be treated.


So, How To Not Accidentally Sound Like A Jerk: can't be done. However, what you can do is this: realize when you have been a jerk, apologize for being a jerk, and hope that your friends and you have a loving enough relationship so that they can forgive you, and then you in turn forgive them when they make mistakes, because everybody does it. Everybody has some privilege.
My roommate and I have been working on an idea of the überprivilege. It is the following (in America, mind you)
Straight, white, cissexual, male, able-bodied, young, thin, christian, there may have been others but that's what I've got.

If you are a gay, african, transwoman, alter-abled, old, heavy, and muslim in america, you might have a case for not having any privilege. But if you have any of those privileges, be aware of them, and be aware that you are at risk for saying something stupid and offending someone you love. Just remember that you love them and can convey that, and you'll be fine, I expect.

Survivor's Guilt

I want to talk for a bit about survivor's guilt. It won't be a long post I hope, but it is something I want to get down. First, as always when talking about touchy subjects, a disclaimer. I know that survivor guilt is no longer a DSM classified disorder and listed as a symptom of PTSD. That is to say, when I talk about survivor's guilt in the context I plan, I am not meaning any offense to the people who experience this as a symptom of a psychological disorder. I recognize that they are not the same thing (though similar ideas) and I do not mean to trivialize your struggle with it, I just want to take the idea and use it to talk about a related, though less extreme, situation I have been a part of.
That being, said, let's move on.

I grew up in Tucson, AZ. Arizona has a lot of problems, and I would say that Tucson has the same problems, but less of them, and to a lesser degree. The racism and sexism and homophobia that I have heard about going on in the public school systems across this country are terrible, and Arizona has them too. But we didn't. I went to an alternative elementary school, and then a middle school and high school that was so tight knit that if anyone were subjected to the kinds of bullying I've seen in the news recently, there would be hell to pay in a minute. The teachers cared, the students cared, and everyone worked to create a solid learning environment where everyone felt safe - I know I did. BASIS is a good example of how to run a program without bullying.

I have always been good at standing up for myself. I take very little crap, and I take it from a small list of people. If a stranger starts giving me flak, I do not back down - I have been this way for quite some time, ever since I found my voice.

I see these kids on the news, like the Michigan kid getting repeatedly punched in the face after being ambushed IN A SCHOOL CLASSROOM and Matt, who the new michigan law (I don't know if it passed, but it basically says "no bullying, unless you can think of a moral or religious reason for it," and as one senator said, they are not stopping bullying, they are providing a blueprint for it, telling people exactly how to get away with it) was created in honor of - called Matt's Safe School Law - was bullyed at school to the point of his suicide 40 days after having syrup and eggs dumped on his head for being gay (if anyone can figure out the bully's train of thought on that one, you get 10 points).

I know there are people speaking for these kids. Kevin Epling, Matt's father now works for an organization called Bullypolice USA, speaks for these kids. Gretchen Whitmer, who spoke on just how terrible the new law is, speaks for these kids. The adults are speaking for these kids. The GLSEN (gay lesbian straight education network) works with politicians and parents around the country to get policy changed to help these kids. I am a bisexual genderqueer kid who has NEVER faced any adversity. None. I mean, I get the stray faggot remark, the occasional tranny catcall, I've even been called a buttpirate a few times in my life (those were kinda funny, actually) but I have never been subjected to what I would consider bullying - not ever. Here I am, someone who knows what life can be like outside of bullying as an othergendered and othersexualized kid who grew up with a talent for speaking big words and standing up or himself, and what the hell am I doing about it?

There are all these kids around who are hurting, and I have no idea how to help. UO has one of the highest ratings of any public university in the nation in terms of friendliness towards the LGBT community. When they have events in public, people either come by and have a good time, or they just walk past - we never get harassed or heckled. I have students and friends in the 4J school district (equivalent of TUSD for Eugene) and I've never heard of anything like the things happening in Michigan happening here. It's like I moved from one little bubble (high school) to another (Eugene) where everything in fine, even though there are messed up kids and situations all across this nation.

So I guess I am feeling a mixture of survivor's guilt, that I got out of high school without any damage, mixed with a little bit of guilt for having the ability to affect change, and not acting on it, because I am too busy enjoying my perfect little life in my socially conscious and accepting bubble of a city.
What's a guy to do?